


Mary Sue and The Philosopher's Stone

by AwesomeSauce010



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But nobody thinks that, But there's still a bit of profanity, Crack Fic, Don't do Mary Sues though, F/M, I am just mocking the concept of Mary Sue, I feel like an asshole, I promise, I'm Done Tagging, Mary Sue is annoying, Most innocent crack fic I have ever written, One Shot, Sort Of, and major character death, obviously, oh well, they're annoying shits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28865904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwesomeSauce010/pseuds/AwesomeSauce010
Summary: The first year of Hogwarts from Mary Sue's perspective.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Mary Sue/Harry Potter
Kudos: 3





	Mary Sue and The Philosopher's Stone

Hello everybody! My name is Mary Sue! I am going to tell you a bit about my life. 

First off, gammare mstakes. sorry the author is 10 years old, plz let it be excused no period 

Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, I am Harry Potter's love interest. One day, I was minding my own busy-ness when suddenly, a Hogwarts letter magically appeared! That's right - magically! Seems impossible, doesn't it???????? Anyways, because anyways is an amazing word, I am going to keep saying it. 

ANYWAYS, as I was saying, the owl really loved me. His name was Hedwig. You might be wondering how Harry Potter's owl ended up at my window - well, I don't know either. Because the author is a lazy shit, let's just completely ignore that plot hole and move on. 

So Hedwig loved me so much that he started swooning. Also, I know Harry Potter is already mentioned, but let me also mention I haven't met him yet and have no idea who he is. To avoid confusion. Do you understand the story better now? Good. I am literally a genius. 

My mom, who is only significant to the story because she makes me look better, came in and yelled, "Mary Sue, dear! What is that?" 

Looking at the letter which I had already opened and read through in 5 seconds because I am a genius, I simultaneously looked at my mother and told her the news. She accepted my acceptance into Hogwarts without question. Sure, she was a muggle - also a term I haven't learned yet, but why should the author have to acknowledge that? Don't be dissing MY CREATOR BITCH!!!! 

So blah blah blah blah. A bunch of important things happened and everyone looked at me with adoring heart eyes. After all these important things happened, I arrived in the Hogwarts waiting room ((A/N - it's actually called the common room, but Mary Sue calls it the waiting room because she is just so hilarious)). 

A lot of other people were sorted, but who gives a fuck about them? Finally, after about another sentence, my turn came up. 

The sorting hat was then placed on my head. 

"Well, well," it spoke adoringly. "For some unknown reason, I feel compelled to automatically love everything about you. Now - what house do you want, you amazing, charming, beautiful, awesome, kind girl?" 

I contemplated - but all the houses sounded so great. How would I choose? No matter where I went, everyone would adore me, so it didn't really matter. Suddenly, the author remembered I was supposed to be Harry Potter's love interest. So Gryffindor. Obviously. 

"GRYFFINDOR!" The Hat shouted in pure awe. 

I went towards the Gryffindor table, everyone clapping for me. Draco Malfoy's jaw was even agape at my beauty. He stood up, proclaiming that I was the only muggleborn that could ever be accepted. When I looked at him, he blushed a deep crimson. All the other Slytherins muttered their agreement. Even the teachers were looking at me in awe, and Severus Snape whispered to his companions - "She's really only eleven? I think I'm in love with her!" Clearly, this was a very in character thing for Mr. Snape. 

Hermione Granger sat next to me and declared herself my best friend. Harry Potter was looking at me with heart eyes, the emoji-red-heart coming from both of his eyes and bumping back and forth into the socket. 

Ron Weasley was looking at me like that too, and suddenly, they were beating each other up. 

They both got punished by Snape because he was also in love with me and didn't like the competition. 

The year passed slowly. On Halloween, after being fawned over by everyone, Mr. Quirrell came in screaming about a troll. He passed out. Hermione was crying because Ron was trying to get with me through her, and she implied I belonged with Harry as the author has already stated. Really Ronald, get with the program. 

He must of sad something mean, I decided. So Harry and I (or is it Harry and me?? Hmm.) chased after them. I single-handedly killed the troll somehow, and was deemed a hero. 

After this, Harry kissed me. I kissed him back. We were in love. Sure, we were only 11, but sometimes stuff just happens. 

Ron was jealous, but accepted it because I told him to. When I told him to get with Hermione, he did. And then they were in love. But they both loved me more, of course. 

In the Mirror of Erised, I saw myself as I am - because I am perfection. Harry saw me with him, Hermione saw me with her, and Ron saw me with him in the mirror. This was to be expected. I hugged them all, telling them I loved them like the perfectly good person I am. 

Dumbledore also loved me and let me do whatever I wanted. 

At the end of the year, we came to the shocking conclusion that Quirrell was hosting Voldemort. But guess what? When I asked him to choose between the Philosopher's Stone and me, he just left! He was in love with me too! The Dark Lord himself! This changed no one's opinion on me. 

I hugged Voldemort, telling him it was okay if he wanted to be evil. Just to not kill Harry or me because I was his love interest. So he killed Ron and Hermione instead and apparated away. Harry was sad for a second, but when he saw I was okay he brightened up. As long as I was alive, no one else mattered. 

Then we went through the seven years of Hogwarts and I defeated the Dark Lord despite the prophecy about Harry. I became the Chosen One, and Harry was the background love interest. Still, he was happy with it. 

And that's my life, folks. 


End file.
